Loneliness: Inspired by "The Capacity to Be Alone" by Dr Donald Winnicott

It is not until I got estranged from my son, this feeling of loneliness emerged; I simply never felt lonely before I was a mother, I had always enjoyed my own company and never imagined it could one day dwelled on me. I mean if I experienced loneliness that memory must have been buried deep down inside of me because as far as I was concerned up until the crisis with my son, being alone had always been such a bliss.

I could never understand people who complained they were alone or seemed so desperate to have people around them. I treasured this rendez- vous with my soul. The excitement to read a book, to explore a word, a concept, its etymology, its origins and how it has changed across time; encyclopaedias and dictionaries were my besties; they told me stories my teachers and friends did not. My bedroom was my library, my third space that allowed imagination to flow, I could then embody and enact stories from Murder Mysteries to social injustices.

I would be creating my own props initially for my Barbies then for my acting; I had so many hats, bags and outfits I could dress up like international shop assistant to the most talented lawyer but pretending to be an international journalist was my most successful act- so much so that my parents and teachers were convinced this career was the perfect fit for me (I tried, I hated it!). But the truth is I do love writing and Mme Melon did not pick on my passion to write NOT what I would then call “boring news” but a genre at the time I did not know was simply called “fiction”.

Writing fictive narratives was all I could do without effort, it was the most seamless and enjoyable activity I would do for hours. It felt like my soul would be dictating words for my hand to write. And sometimes my soul needed to be fed and we would be devouring books, encyclopaedias and dictionaries until there was no longer an inch of a space on my desk. I was attracted by adventures, philosophical tales and anything that would take my mind away from the present moment.

I did not have a bad childhood, I do not remember a lot to be fair, my memories are fragmented and I do think I preferred it that way maybe because it made everybody happy- everybody, except me… I never felt alone because it had been a long way back since I had developed this relationship with my soul but I carried what everybody called ‘anger’. I became the ‘Angry Kid’, the funny thing about being called ‘the Angry Kid’ is that I didn’t realise I was angry, perhaps because I was also known as “The Adorable Kid” who everybody wanted to babysit (so I hear). I did explode occasionally and found myself in tears for a while - and up until now I don’t like crying, it gives me headaches and let’s not mention: blocked nose and all that- but one day, I do remember thinking crying is so annoying, I could actually get angry for feeling like I was about to cry…

It was not until I got estranged from my son that I had to go to therapy, I had to get to know myself. I thought I already knew myself pretty well since as you know I do spend a lot of time with me, myself and I. Dr Anne wanted to know more about the reasons I described myself as ‘angry’ and how much it made me angry that people called me ‘angry’ and above all why could not I stop crying!

Before my son left the house, there was a strange period when my son’s father moved in with us and suddenly I started crying: I kept crying everywhere except rarely at home; I would cry out of nowhere on the bus, I would cry out of nowhere in my classroom and I would cry out of nowhere in my sleep, or even when talking to people about random topics- literally, everywhere! I was so embarrassed, I did not need nor like to bring that kind of attention to myself. Plus what’s up with the crying, wasn’t I supposed to be “The Angry Child”? But that’s the thing though, I was no longer a child, I was 37!

Dr Anne explained when sadness had not been acknowledged, it transformed into ‘angriness’ exploding could also be the expression of repressed feelings from the past I was not able to share so she tried to find out what I was sad about. I had no idea! I should have been happy, my son’s father who was being abusive finally left, although it was actually a relief, the crying continued! I did feel sad that it did not work out, I did grieve that relationship but I also did feel relieved not just because I could finally have my alone time, my dates with my soul but because the house felt finally safe. It felt safe to be at home again and now I could finally read and write again and maybe that was what helped me get through that relationship. Yet, I kept crying out of nowhere; I had to stop teaching for a while, later I had to stop working at the hospital because I kept crying…

Dr Anne skilfully helped me retrieve memories from my childhood, well I can tell you that if I was complaining about crying before, that was nothing compared to what I experienced during those counselling sessions- so much so she had to extend the treatment to an additional six weeks’; yes, you got it, childhood trauma is a b**** (mind my French!)

The sadness was buried deep down inside of me, as a child left to her grandmother, I found safety in my bedroom where there was a huge library, I found refuge in books where I buried my sadness and where I found comfort- characters and stories reassured me that all will be well.

No matter how much I tried to transmit my philosophy of life, my son could not bear the idea of being alone; we shared the passion for reading, fiction and non- fiction narratives but it seemed he appeared uncomfortable to be in the presence of his own company which is something I struggled supporting him with. On Friday 2nd April 2021, my son vanished and being alone tasted differently- some would say, “bitter!”; others would say, “bland”; I would say “spicy hot!!!” You know that feeling when it is only you hurting, lost in the sense not knowing what to do and everybody you turn to had their own little remedies which you tried to apply and none if it worked.

LONELINESS…

I had never experienced loneliness before; perhaps it is because I developed “affective maturity”, thanks to my mother I learned to find satisfaction in something reliable which supports my needs when I feel alone such as reading books. Dr Donald Winnicott explains that the foundation to be alone resides in the experience of being alone in the presence of someone; so I should also be thankful to my grandmother for allowing me to be alone while knowing she was also being reliable by being present in the house while I was alone in my bedroom reading.

But what does Winnicott tell us about the individual who is not able to be alone? To my understanding individuals who rely on the presence of their mothers or a substitute of their mothers fortify the relation with the self, they then rely on the relation to the self. When the relation to the self is reliable, being alone becomes enjoyable. However, when the carer is inconsistent, unreliable and does not support the child’s needs, the relation with the self might be compromised and being alone may appear as a matter of worry, distress and I would definitely recommend not to wait to get support and guidance from psychotherapists or family counsellors.

While reading Dr Winnicott during the period my son vanished, I have anchored the feeling to be the worst mother of the universe, I also realised that by being consistently present in his life, by providing for his needs, I felt I had given him strength to create an “internal environment” which basically is a process to identify our respective needs and the support we can rely on which would allow my son to feel safe to live without his mother. However I do hope, though, that one day, he would experience the satisfaction to enjoy to be alone without impressing anyone but just appreciating his positive relation to the self, not relying on dependency or co- dependency, to feel whole, safe, content to be in his own company and understand that the company of others is indeed incredible but there is no better friend you can express to, listen to, relate to than to be in the presence of your soul- this relationship is transcendental and compared to none.

Awa Ginet- Jones

17/02/2026